I am you, you are me

Today I read an essay put up on Facebook by "tiny buddha" that I had to share because I think it is true, and also wonderfully put. You can read it by clicking here.

I've learned over the years that whenever a particular person or particular behavior is getting on my nerves, it's because I'm about ready to admit that I behave that way too. Admitting that I have a problem is the first step to dealing with it, say the 12-steppers. But it's a whole lot easier to see it in others than in myself, and to put all my anger and disappointment onto them instead. Every time I've finally stepped up and said "I do this," I immediately feel horrible. I'm ashamed, I'm disappointed in myself, I don't like myself at all. Much easier to get mad at someone else than to open myself up to that.

But I've learned that when someone else's behavior that I've tolerated, perhaps for years or even decades, suddenly becomes intolerable, it's because I'm ready to change that in myself.

The first time I saw this happen was incredibly painful. There was a behavior that I absolutely despised in others. But one night I finally let myself admit that I did it too - and not only that, but with the people I loved most in the world. That was a real "dark night of the soul" for me. I stayed up most of the night feeling like the biggest hypocrite and manipulative bitch ever.

I can't really explain what happened next. I'll just say that I finally asked for help and help was given - something I have slowly learned to trust will always happen when one is truly penitent and open to change.

I took a vow not to do that any more. Have I succeeded? Not entirely. But I'm a lot better. And a lot more aware of when I am slipping back to that. I did go see a counselor to find out why I had that pattern in the first place, and that helped a lot too.

But that doesn't mean I stopped projecting my other crap onto others. Then next time, it was all about being a controlling person. I had a high need for control for most of my life. Fortunately or unfortunately, the Universe likes to whap people like me upside the head with a situation we cannot control so that we let go of that. (I was lucky; for me the spiritual 2x4 to the side of the head was a divorce, not a life-threatening disease like I've seen happen to other controllers.) But before I could come to terms with it, I went through a stage of being incredibly annoyed by the controlling behaviors of others. I went on a weekend boat trip with some friends and one of them was a controller; I wanted to push her overboard by the end of the trip! If only it were that easy.

I'm still learning that when I become hyperconscious of someone else's behavior, I need to look at myself. Just last week I took someone to task over what I see as their addiction. (My "recovering" friends yelled at me for that.) As I listed off the signs of addiction for this person, I came face to face with the reality that I have an addiction. It's sugar, and thus a socially acceptable addiction - unless it gets out of control and you get fat, and then you get the shame, because  you can't pretend you don't have a problem any more. I have a sugar problem. I'm almost ready to deal with it. But not quite, and that's why I have lost my tolerance for other people's addictions all of a sudden.

But their addictions are not my problem to solve. Mine is.